Le Stage: C’est Fini
It’s been a roller coaster of an experience, but I’m glad to say that I (successfully) completed my two month stage, especially because at one point I thought I wouldn’t make it. After working for one week I wrote that although the kitchen was harsh, I was still eager to go back the next week. I ended with, “Talk to me again in eight weeks and my answer may differ.” My answer sure as hell differs, so let’s talk.
The first three weeks were mostly smooth. Although the brutal jungle of a kitchen never stopped being crazy, the harshness and angry yelling never applied or was directed to me (except one insanely awful yelling tirade by one of the chef owners that left me scarred and scared of this lady for life. But that story I’ll leave for another day). When I did something wrong, I was told in a stern tone and the worst thing that was said about/to me was cochon. By the fourth week, I was honestly becoming complacent and a bit bored with what I was doing. The repetitiveness of the chocolates and packaging was getting dull, and since Easter was over things were getting slow. I should have seen the tornado coming, as there were clear signs (of course now in retrospect!) of a build up. My chef de partie was slowly becoming a little more aggressive and impatient. His tone still remained stern but I was hearing more comments about how I wasn’t doing a good job, that I wasn’t fast enough, and that my head wasn’t on straight.
It was at this time that they decided to change me and my other intern-now-friend to the morning shift. I was nervous about moving to the morning as that meant that I would be working with the other, meaner, chef de partie, but I was also excited about learning more about the actual pastries. The transition into this new shift was one of the most difficult things that I have ever done in my life! There was absolutely no learning curve or time to improve. I was expected to know and execute…with speed. Questions were annoying and help rarely available. Even if I wasn’t shown how to do something properly, I was expected to do it correctly. If I had done it once, I was already supposed to be an expert. When I struggled to deliver (literally after one day), they gave me (they meaning: my new chef de partie, my old chef de partie who for some reason now hated my guts, and even one of the guy apprentices who had absolutely no reason to be mean to me) ranged from: putain!, you’re disgusting!, use your fucking eyes!, faster! you’re fucking slow!, what the fuck is this!, uhhhhh, dddduhhh, bbbbuuhhh, and a number of other offensive noises that come out of the french language. The worst part was that for a period of time the verbal abuse didn’t stop at just my performance level, but became personal and continued even when I wasn’t doing anything wrong. The amount of emotional stress became so unbearable at one point that there was one day when I actually cried a little on my way to work, held back tears the whole day during work, and sobbed as soon as I left work.
In hindsight, I think it really had to do the fact that I was new to the job but not seen that way. The morning and afternoon shifts are entirely different. The rhythm and output are separate, but for some reason, because I knew one they just assumed that I knew the other. I think, or at least I hope, it was totally unconscious, to which I understand as to why they were so frustrated with me. I don’t think it gave them the excuse to treating me like a verbal punching bag, but I can see their point of view. On my part, I could’ve probably done a better job had I from the start: 1. Not assumed that I would be given learning leeway, 2. Focused more on the work and less on the yelling, and 3. Stopped worrying and been more confident. I eventually learned how to work out those first two points, but the worrying and confidence has always been a struggle for me. Fortunately, things did get better and by the last few days I wasn’t getting yelled at that much. The only person who was still being unreasonably mean to me was that one apprentice guy who never yelled (because he didn’t really have that power over me), but just gave me a ton of attitude and unnecessary critiques about my work (which by now was fine).
Despite everything, it was still very bittersweet to end. There were still a million other things that I wish I had learned, but never will (at least from this patisserie). I’ll miss some of the people, especially two girls that I became quite close to. Bitching with them and having other people who knew and understood the experience made it so much more bearable and tolerable. I might even miss my second chef de partie and one of the chefs, who both turned out to be like big teddy bears who sometimes turned into rabies infected grizzlies that just wanted to bite my head off (but who doesn’t have those moments). I’ll also miss being part of such a successful enterprise. It was such a cool feeling to walk through the shop and know that my hands took part in creating some of their beautiful cakes and tarts.
In the grand scale of my life, I don’t know how this experience will fit in. It may end up being the worst or even the best experience of my life, only time will tell. For now, I think I’ve come out a stronger person and still determined to continue my quest to somewhere in this insane food industry. It was a brutal glimpse as to what I’ve signed myself up for, but at the end of the day this is still what I love and what I dream about. If this can’t phase me, hopefully nothing else will.
Tags: internship, le cordon bleu, paris, patisserie, stage
May 19 2011 11:57 pm | paris and stage and thoughts
Vivienne on 20 May 2011 at 11:53 am #
hey jess! good to hear from you again and big congrats on finishing the stage! what an experience you’ve had and i can imagine it being an extremely emotional journey! glad all these made your stronger and that even now, you’re still as passionate about what you do as day 1! im not sure what i’d do in your situation…as im one to take things (at work) very personally, and if those guys were to say that kinda stuff to me, id prob burst into tears right in front of them lol.
Jessica on 20 May 2011 at 11:02 pm #
Vivienne- Thanks so much!
Anna on 20 May 2011 at 11:38 pm #
Wow. Like you said though, the experience made you stronger and I’m still super envious of your journey. I’m glad you didn’t give up, I like reading about your progress
Jessica on 23 May 2011 at 8:37 am #
Anna- It was hard, but definitely an experience I’ll never forget (in good ways and bad!).
Kathy on 23 May 2011 at 1:45 pm #
Very glad to see your post. I was wondering if things had become hectic or difficult since you had not posted for a bit. Sorry to hear it was a rough go for these past two months – it is great to know your passion of the industry survived this experience.
hungry dog on 23 May 2011 at 5:09 pm #
Congratulations on finishing–I can’t wait to see what is next for you.
Emily on 23 May 2011 at 6:31 pm #
Moi aussi, I can’t wait to see what’s next.
Though I kind of want to beat up those who were meanies to such a kind and sweet person as you. Oh well, I guess karma will catch up to them. I hope your next job is kinder and gentler, but just as challenging and rewarding.
chara on 24 May 2011 at 6:11 am #
Jess!!! congrats on managing to pull through the stage, which doesnt sound like the best of times unfortunately :/ wish you got a better experience but im sure this will help you later on! fauchon wasnt as bad though. but if you can survive in a crazy french noisy kitchen you can survive anywhere, right? :p hehe what are you planning to do from now on? miss you and im still glad we managed to be friends in such a strange way c: keke
Camille on 24 May 2011 at 6:46 pm #
First jobs are never easy – I came home crying more than once in my first six months out of school. Still verbal abuse is never called for. There’s a difference between getting corrected (even if harshly) and being called names. That’s just unprofessional.
I did mean it about that coffee I suggested a while back. Then it looked like I might be homeless, and, well, you know. But things are kind of calming down, finally, and I would love to get together.
Carolina Garofani on 24 May 2011 at 8:18 pm #
I’ve been reading your blog for a while and I probably commented on a few posts a while back… but anyway, Jessica, thanks for this last post.
I’m doing a pastry course in Italy that is as long as yours in France, and I’m entering the second month of my stage… and mine is 4 months long! They sent me to a restaurant where the chef is completely nuts and yells all day. With me he’s patient and even kind (maybe because I’m the only woman in the kitchen), but the stress levels are high and people are not nice. They’re arrogant, there’s no laughter and no fun in the kitchen. I’m doing 14 hours a day and I’m mentally and physically exhausted… and I still have 3 months to go!
Reading about your experience was a breath of fresh air. I’m not alone! Working in this industry is really hard… honestly, I wish I could go to sleep and wake up in August, when I’ll be done. Still, every day gets a little better, even though I still get yelled at and scolded many times every single day. I cried every single day for the first two weeks, I still do now and then – and I’m the kind of person who NEVER cries and is seen by others as strong and resilient… I definitely don’t feel that way right now!
Anyway, I wish you all the best now that you’re done, a lot of success and congratulations on holding on and completing it! Good luck!!
lynne on 24 May 2011 at 10:41 pm #
WOW Jessica,
I would have never made it through! You are tough I hae worked in kitchens before and alot of emotions
flare, but to me that was so unprofessional they should be ashamed of themselves. I would never buy anything from them just because of the way they treat their employees. France is way behind the times, esp with getting away with the verbal abuse there is no excuse, wonder if the whole country acts this way towards their employees?
A Little Yumminess on 25 May 2011 at 6:01 am #
Congrats! What a lovely post…enjoyed reading it.
Jessica on 25 May 2011 at 6:56 am #
Carolina- Thanks so much for your comment! I think it is sort of a relief when you hear that other people have encountered similar experiences (and that I’m not being a baby!). I hope you power through and make it out alive in August! It’s tough, but afterwards you will feel so empowered for having gone through those three months! Good luck! We should keep in touch and share our crazy stories!
Carolina Garofani on 26 May 2011 at 5:04 pm #
So glad you replied! And nooo you’re not being a baby, at least from my point of view! Sometimes I think these 3 months will NEVER pass, it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, I’m so tired!
And YES we should definitely share some stories! Drop me a line sometime, contato@caramelodrama.com!
Christina on 27 May 2011 at 2:49 am #
Interesting. Cooking is a great passion of mine as well. Creating things with food is of real interest to me.. it runs in my family. My mother had wondeful Italian recipes because she’s from Italy.. love red wine. Especially French.. always wonderful. Lidia’s Italy is a great cooking show as well. Gives great history of Italy and cooking..
Christina on 27 May 2011 at 2:55 am #
Wow Jessica that truly is putting up with some nasty verbal and emotional abuse. The worst!! I’ve had horrible bosses like that and believe me, eventually people complain and those bosses end up getting the boot. I hear French cooks are especially difficult and there may be language barriers unless you are fluent.. I can see this in them.. I’ve had friends who have worked with them and they state the same thing. They are impatient, expect things from you such as being a mind reader..they’re impossible!! If it keeps up find a place that appreciates you!!
Haein on 03 Jun 2011 at 8:38 pm #
Congratulations on the finish!
It must be one of the greatest milestones especially considering how difficult it had been with the crazy chefs and various slips along the way! I’m so jealous & proud!
The Cilantropist on 07 Jun 2011 at 7:44 am #
Wow this was so interesting to read and eye-opening! I imagine once you step back and evaluate this phase of your life you will count yourself lucky and be a stronger person because of it!
parisbreakfast on 20 Jun 2011 at 1:28 pm #
The horrid treatment of women in French kitchens is legend and your post backs it up.
A friend, who worked at Guy Savoy had a (Fr) male co-hort throw a pail of filthy water down some stairs and then command her to clean it up.
The cruelty knows no bounds and the intent seems to be to make women cry or worse. Why there are not more murders in the cuisine is a mystery to me.
babycakes on 28 Jul 2011 at 1:51 pm #
lolol reading that middle section was rly funny– hearing it from you and then reading it i can hear u doing the impressions all over again lolol! im so proud of you for having endured this exp